Taking a Last Name?

This is a response to this article:
http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/wayoflife/11/05/o.change.name.after.marriage/index.html

A while ago, about a month before moving with him, my then boyfriend proposed, and before the article I had no questions about taking his last name. It seemed like the thing to do for many reasons:

1. A marriage is a joining of two families to become a larger family. In a much older patriarchal time a woman belonged to a man and thats why she took his name. The reception of the wedding symbolizes the celebration of the joining of families. Taking a name is becoming part of the family.

2. Now that women do not belong to their husbands, it seems like the simplest way to choose a last name, and why fix something that ain't broke?

3. What good reason is there to not take on your husband's name?

After reading this bitter and stinging article that called out a tradition that, as Salie so generously points out, 80% of American woman follow, I was utterly aghast. It had never occured to me to not change my name when getting married. Why wouldnt you?

When one of my uncles got married a few years ago, I remember the shock our entire family had when she ever-so-snottily announced that she was not taking the family name. We all felt like she was saying "I am too good to be a part of your family." And that should have been the first sign that this woman was to turn out to be quite the thorn in everyones' sides. But I remember that shock and thought to myself "what is her problem?"

Now I am not saying that if you have a well established career as say Jennifer Lopez, and that the world knows who you are that you have to change your name. In fact, it may be far more beneficial to you to keep your already world reknowned name. I won't argue that fact. She was WELL established as one Ms J-Lo before she became married, and who would know who Jen Anthony was when your coworker at the office started talking about her latest foray. "Jennifer Anthony? Is that the new receptionist the accounting office got last month?"

I also propose that anyone who was a well established lawyer or doctor or even high ranking professor at a prestigious university keep their names, or hyphenate, or do whatever suits them best. Afterall a client looking for their lawyer in the phone book may not know their lawyer got married and would possibly have a hard time finding them.

So I am not by anymeans degrading women who have made this decision for those reasons.

But when I come across Mrs Ashley Anne Reese-Hickey with her obvious gold digging qualities, it does make me go- "did this woman know she was going to divorce her man? Does she actually love him?" It seems downright rude to me.

Someone I work with on a semi regular basis has been married for 3 years and because of the situations in which her husband grew up in, he decided to take her last name. He never really felt like he had a family before and the wedding symbolized for him, the joining into her family. And I think that is the sweetest thing ever.

Now that it has been a few months, and the article has not stopped rattling through my brain, I decided to ask 3 of the ladies in my social network what they decided to do and why. And all 3 of them chose to take their husbands last name no questions asked. One girl who replied to my email even made me shed a little tear with her wonderful input:

"First of all- I think this woman is dumb and is promoting incorrect ideals about how women in the world "should be." I think that changing your name is a symbolic way to join yourself to your husband. I think some women who feel like they have to keep their last name do so because they want to keep an identity separate from their husbands which is the exact opposite of what marriage is about.

Marriage is about being in harmony with your spouse so that there can be harmony in your house. People have this fear of losing themselves- which, if you really knew who you were then you wouldn't worry about that- and they don't realize that when you lose yourself in selfless work and love, you find yourself. I find incredible joy in working with my husband in all things- I try out things that he likes that I have never done and sometimes I end up liking them and then we have something else we can do together! This also happens in the reverse sense with him learning and trying things I care about.

I think marriage is all about becoming one- which requires sacrifice and compromise on both parts. Giving up your last name for his is just one symbolic decision of your willingness and committment in moving from your old family to your new family. When you get married your spouse should be come the number 1 priority of your love and committment- "cleave unto your spouse" is a more scriptural way of saying it. So in short- I don't think you should be self-conscious at all. Don't let the world tell you how to be because the world generally ends up getting it wrong. Just put your thoughts on creating a happy, unified home with your future spouse and all the love that comes when you are both selfless and completely committed to one another."

So I believe I will stick with taking my husbands name when it comes time to be married. It will be the joining of our two families and even though I have a pretty established career at the moment, it won't affect my success to have a different name. After all "A rose by any other name would still smell as sweet"